anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
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Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone