me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
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My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?