If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
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Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Finally, an explanation.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no