Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
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when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
When I snag the last meatball.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie