“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
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[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Breaking news:
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??