*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
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My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Yes my dude
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Teach your children to beatbox
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I triple waxed for this?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.