I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
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I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.