Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
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I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
me, after any kind of buffet.