Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
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I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
concern