[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
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Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
this will hang in the louvre one day
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut