My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Body by Oreos
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.