[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
You Might Also Like
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
*launders Kohls cash*
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️