me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
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“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
how to have an accident 101
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*