me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
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My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My brain is a bad influence on me
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
what are they serving at kfc then???
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.