It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.