Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
You Might Also Like
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I want what they have
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!