1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
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My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Simple enough.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here