Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
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I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*