You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables


*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*


“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you


[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!


Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…


[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died


I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.


I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.


reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins


My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock