a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
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*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
Th: But that’s your a-
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock