@Marcmywords2

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

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@TweetsByKaylee

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

@maebemarbles

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

@SoVeryBritish

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

@canadasandra

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

@heatherlou_

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

@caithuls

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

@LostFelicia

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

@sixfootcandy

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

@brokeymcpoverty

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

@Amusitr0n

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock