As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
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DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Gods work.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you