A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.