Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
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My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Found the job I’m suited for
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Me: I really need to save money
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