*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
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[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
It’s a gift
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that