My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
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If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow