sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.