sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
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customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I don’t think my car can fly
