All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.