Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
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Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Bring back the McRib
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
the last thing a carrot sees
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.