It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
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Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way