Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
You Might Also Like
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Feels like the fourth month in January
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”