One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
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Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
#Caturday
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]