If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
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”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.