When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
You Might Also Like
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
My flabber has been gasted.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!