My flabber has been gasted.
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Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️