My flabber has been gasted.
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I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Important
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Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.