For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
You Might Also Like
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*