For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I have many caverns
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
What flavor cupcake are these
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.