16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
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“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.