I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.