Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
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Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
looks legit
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch