looks legit
You Might Also Like
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
This is why I hate group projects
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.