Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
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How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house