How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
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People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.