During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
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I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*