my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
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One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
nobody’s gonna understand
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*