@oneawkwardmom My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
@babyIulu succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
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@oneawkwardmom 
@mxmclain When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
@UncleDuke1969 Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
@Kica333 A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
@UncleDuke1969 Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
@Pumpkinbabypie HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
@Cheeseboy22 After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
@UncleDuke1969 Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
@Browtweaten gentlemen, hear me out
@AmishSuperModel Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.