Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

Remember folks 😂

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.