succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
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Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Worlds greatest photobomb
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
It’s so fucking annoying when someone keeps talking after I have interrupted them.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.