@babyIulu

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

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@oneawkwardmom

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

@mxmclain

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

@UncleDuke1969

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

@Kica333

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

@UncleDuke1969

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

@Pumpkinbabypie

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

@Cheeseboy22

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

@UncleDuke1969

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

@AmishSuperModel

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.