succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
You Might Also Like
incredible
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc