British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
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Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.