British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
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George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.