Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.