me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
You Might Also Like
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.