Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
You Might Also Like
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.