These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
You Might Also Like
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.