I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
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My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague