people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
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What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
scared to check what name she chose
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist